Raccoons are the Jews of San Francisco’s Fort Mason


By Mary Heizenberg, San Francisco Marina Homeowner

They are herded into dank, dark, encampments underneath old military barracks and killed off when nobody is looking. Their only crime is that they are not as beautiful as the armies of prancing yuppie golden retrievers and yellow labs that patrol their green acres. They pay the ultimate price simply because they look different.

Park staff encourage certain members of the public to hunt them with their dogs at dusk. Poisoned meat is tossed at them. They are officially shunned.

The poor things wish only to survive. They eat the garbage of the humans, providing a free recycling service for which they ask only to stay alive one more night.

Some Conservative members of the Fort Mason park department park their cars in the parking lots with NRA stickers on their car windows and, as we residents walk by, talk of “culling the little bastards”.

Who are the real immigrants here, though? The raccoons were the original residents before the yuppies and the Fort Mason people invaded them with their TED Talks, Synchronicity Events and hipster facades!

How long before they build little gas chambers for the poor creatures? How long before a spiral of dark smoke rises from the ovens at Fort Point beneath the Golden Gate Bridge?

History has taught us: “First they came for the mice and we said nothing, then they came for the raccoons and we said nothing...then they came for us and there was no one left to speak for us...”

In these strange days and in this divisive world, must we still be judged by our snouts, our fur coloring and our simple desire for life?

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Thanks to Google, San Francisco will soon become "Raccoon City". Are all of the Residents Evil?